There are a number of changes I've made in the last year. I bought a home, adopted two dogs, went on my first cruise and even got a new job. In my mind the most important change I've made in the last year is becoming a Weight Watchers member. Nothing else has changed my life so completely. Joining Weight Watchers (and the subsequent lifestyle changes I’ve made) has turned me into a different, better person. I've learned many things about myself, my friends, family and coworkers. Things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. I've become more grateful for little things and small pleasures. I now know that I can set goals and accomplish them.

Gains & Losses

Losing over 70 pounds is no small accomplishment. It's been a lot of hard work, and I've gained so much more than I've lost. The biggest thing I've gained is an incredible sense of self confidence. I now have the confidence to reach for goals that I never would have before. I look far beyond my current horizons when thinking of the “next thing.” I think about living in different terms now than I did 70 pounds ago. Nothing is out of reach! If I think it, I can do it!

I’ve also gained in knowledge. Setting goals has always been something I'm good at, attaining them another story. Being a Weight Watcher has taught me not just how to set good, healthy goals, but how to reach them in a positive way. I’ve learned that I have a tremendous amount of willpower, something I never knew I possessed. Perhaps the best thing I’ve learned is never to give up. Through mountains, valleys and plateaus I’ve told myself, “If it were easy, it wouldn’t be worthwhile.”

The Next Thing

There are many goals I’d like to accomplish in the next year. Big things and small things:

Start exercising more regularly
Do at least two major hikes this season – Make it up Half Dome!
Journal my Points e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y!
Keep going to meetings
Be a better weight loss partner for my friends/family who are doing this with me

Gratitude

There is so much to be thankful for in my life, and many of those things are directly related to losing 70+ lbs. I’ve got more energy now than I’ve ever had in my life. I’m physical fit. I’m going to live longer and be able to do the things that I want to do when I get older – travel, hiking, living life to it’s fullest!

I have so much love and gratitude in my heart for those around me who have helped me along this path in so many ways.

My husband Rich, first and foremost, for always being the encouraging voice of reason. He has never once made me feel like I could do anything but succeed in this. He always knows the right thing to say when he puts his arms around me... “Hey, where’d my wife go?!?!”

My Mom for taking those first steps with me and for not being one of those competitive or nagging mothers. She always has an insight for me when my emotions when they run away with me. I thank my lucky stars every time I think about how special our relationship is.

Jeni for being my constant companion on this road to thin. She knows when to challenge me even when I put up a fight. She knows when to encourage and when to sympathize. She’s the only one who’s really seen me in the depths of weight-loss despair and I thank her for not ever making me feel like an idiot even when I act like one.

Tami for being my #1 Cheerleader. She’s taught me so much about exercise and hard work. When I feel like I don’t want to get out and walk, go to the gym or exercise in general all I have to do is think of her getting out of bed at 5:00 AM every morning to don running shoes and head down that trail – rain or shine, freezing or burning up. I know what she’d say to me every time, “You’ll feel so much better if you do it.” And she’s right.

Wilma for being the caring, loving, compassionate, understanding woman and leader that she is. She keeps me coming back week after week because I know how genuinely disappointed she would be if we stopped coming. I do it for me, but those Saturday mornings when I want to stay in bed and not leave the house, I think of the light in her eyes as she greets each and every member by name and I get out of bed and I go. I go knowing that she’ll have a smile on her face and kind word in her heart for me and for anyone else who needs it. I honestly doubt that I would have stuck with meetings for this long were it not for Wilma. I cherish her wisdom every day.

Last and certainly not least, I am so grateful for my little Lucy doggie. She keeps me faithful to my walking routine. She keeps me chasing her and her Frisbee in the backyard. She’s my workout partner and she’s always willing to eat half of what’s on my plate so that I don’t have to!

Here’s to another great year on plan!

It seems the more I exercise, the less I want to eat. How exactly does that add up? I would think that if I'm burning more calories, I would feel more hungry.

What is with people who just expect everyone around them to take care of their needs because they're too frazzled to take care of themselves?

I bring my lunch & snacks to work daily. I bring what I need for the day and nothing more. My coworker/pseudo-boss bums food off of me every day because she can't get her shit together enough to bring her own. Bitch makes twice as much as me, yet expects me to feed her. I'm sick to death of it.

Attitude Shift

The saying “Eat to live, don’t live to eat” has always rubbed me the wrong way. Mostly because I don’t believe it is wrong to enjoy what we eat. However I have noticed a change in my own attitude regarding the way I view food. I definitely look at it more as a way to fuel my body. I find myself sincerely asking “What do I need to consume to achieve the results I want today?” Sometimes I need more feel full protein and fiber, sometimes I need more brain powering carbs. I no longer ask myself “what would taste good” first. The first question is always “What do I need to fuel my day?”

Things I Know…

1. I have a history of not seeing this type of thing to completion

2. There is no “completion” this time, it’s for life

3. I go overboard with exercise at first & then quit doing it all together

4. I would like to be able to maintain a healthy weight without having to measure & write down everything that goes into my mouth

What I Must Do…

1. Stay the course. Remind myself that I’ve gotten further this time than I ever have before and that’s proof that I can do it for good. I have the most amazing support system this time around and so many people constantly telling me how proud they are of me. I’ve connected with my WW leader on many levels and she is the most inspiring person I could imagine. I need to kick the fear in the ass.

2. Lifetime. For life. Once again, kick the fear. I CAN AND WILL DO IT THIS TIME. And I will continue to do it from now on. Recognize that there will be ups and downs. Realize that the ebb & flow of eating right and exercising is part of life and be okay with that. Know that its okay to be off plan from time, that it’s okay to splurge in the food department ONCE in AWHILE. Don’t let that once in awhile turn into every day, every minute, every meal.

3. Now that I’m starting an exercise program, make sure that I start and stay in moderation. I can already tell that I’m wanting to do it too much. Maybe give in to that, but ready myself for the slow down and make a plan for sticking with it even if I can’t do it every single day. Let the perfectionist in me go. Realize that it’s really not okay to work out for hours a day seven days a week. Be okay with that. I’m still working on this one. =)

4. I think I’m taking steps towards this already. I don’t actually count my points every single day. One or two days a week I practice making good choices without consulting the points. I still make sure that I’m only eating one serving per sitting and I typically go back at the end of the day and calculate the points to see how I did. I think this is good practice for the future.

If I have a journaling mentor (and you know who you are), she is one specfuckingtacular writer. Not that she ever said to me, "you have to write thought provoking, beautiful prose" or "your spelling, grammer and punctuation must be perfect." She was never anything but encouraging and she directed me to some of the best online journals on the web, many that I still read today. There's no trouble with that.

The trouble is in my head. I'm not a specfuckingtacular writer. I'm not an inspired journaler (journalist?). I don't really aspire to be either. I just like having a place to write my thoughts and (maybe) get feedback from others. I'm not looking to win any diarist awards. I tend to digress, frequently. I jump around and sometimes get back to my original thought, sometimes I don't. I might go on a bit about my job, husband, pets, therapy, weight loss woes, school, friends, house. I might go on about all of those things in one entry. That entry might only be two paragraphs. I tend to write in the same way that I speak.

My birth father had a favorite saying, "If you can't do something right, don't do it at all." I twisted that around in my perfectionistic brain to mean "if you can't do something perfectly, don't bother." I've missed out on too many things by thinking that. I'm trying to change that way of thinking. I'm going to start here, in this journal.

Ahem... excuse me? Anybody out there?

Ramblings

I knew I would be upset if Dubbya won the election. I didn't count on being so upset that I would spiral into a depression. My friend Mary Ann put it very well when she said "take the time that you need to mourn." I'm definitely in mourning.

I had been completely unable to cry about it. Then someone reminded me of the atrocities at Abu Ghraib. The tears are flowing pretty freely now. I'm not stupid, I know that Bush didn't torture those prisoners personally. He didn't give an order for them to be tortured. But the fact remains, it never would have happened if we didn't go to Iraq for fucking OIL under the pretense of a pre-emptive attack based on the events of 9-11.

Half the country believes that Iraq attacked the Twin Towers on 9-11. That Saddam Hussein was behind it. Where do these people get their news? Why do they think that Hussein = Bin Laden? You can bet your ass that the Ministry of Misinformation (aka the Bush Whitehouse) is behind it.

Four more years of lies.

Seriously off the wagon. I will hop back on, just not sure which one I want to hop onto. Still sickies. =(

Current Mood: sick

Got home from Hawaii yesterday. Gained 4 lbs in the week or so I was away. I'm working on being okay with that. More to come when I get over the sinus infection I seemed to pick up on the airplane.

See you all when I get back!